i write this today 7 hours after speaking 2 words after 5 years to someone i cut off after a nasty set of upsets and revelations.
having to be cordial for the sake of work. for the sake of community. for the sake of everything i still find myself working through about that time of my life.
i even smiled once to myself but then outwardly because if not for him, there never would have been you and, more importantly, me. where i stood today.
amid air horns, balloons, smoke clouds that made my clothes & hair smell like turkey legs and (ew) sausage, i dealt with the presence. i held my peace – admittedly with a few sharp jabs from a knife much like MacBeths’ that kept flashing me back… ouch! that hurt. that hurt me.
but to sterilize the wound came my reality- all ive come through since. the knives i’ve jabbed myself through actions over time. some, though justified to me still hurt the one or ones i never would have intentionally.
ah, we look alike now don’t we? chinelas.
5 years is a long time. too long to have held on. the thick weed has inhabited that part of my stomach that would turn at the thought of you too long. and because of that, i can see now, it integrated itself into the rest of me that i try very hard to keep maintained. and that’s no good.
it’s been time to pull it out. really confront it. allow communication. run my hands along my scar you gifted and familiarize myself with the slight raise and puff that remained. let it go.
so i said 2 words distinctly and directly to bring some ease.
so things can grow where weeds overgrew.
for the sake of the smoke.
Deniz Lopez is a Xicana artist & activist who has held position or collaborated with such organizations as The Texas Death Penalty Abolition Movement, The Word Around Town Poetry Tour, Creative Women Unite, and Voices Breaking Boundaries to bring a message of revolution, self-sustainability, & community consciousness to the forefront. The themes of her artistry include the abolition of the death penalty, an end to police brutality, empowerment of women, immigration rights, black/brown unity, and self mastery. At present, she is a founding members & Director of Operations for All Real Radio LLC, where the mission is to make the world better by creating a portal to great music and relevant social commentary, and by facilitating a space for community events & awareness.